the desire to do everything, and the inability to do any of it - is frustrating to say the least

(i wrote this about a month ago. i've got a little bit of catchin'-up to do)

i've been having these moments the last few days of insanity, pure insanity manifesting itself and i'm not entirely sure what the cause of it is - so i'm writing again.

these moments where after having just eaten a cookie - for example - and taken a few silent moments, am transported into this little kid. a 5 year old that just needs to dance, to shake every limb, and get the ants out of their pants. for a solid 7 seconds or so.

it's like you're in a trance, shaking until the moment is done, and you freeze and stare. and the person you're with says 'what the hell was that?' in this case, that was adam. we had been working on some movie props together and took a 5 minute breather. but the minute he spoke, the pendulum that had swung so far to the one side and caused me to dance, started heading the opposite direction. and continued so far the other way i began to laugh so frantically no sound came out. my face was stuck in a pained expression - similar to those snapshots of people on roller coasters. i had no idea what just happened, or what caused it. and that not-knowing made me panic, which made me laugh more.

all i could think to say when i calmed down enough to talk was,
                                   "that was just, that was a really good cookie..."



a similar situation happened at work. i was struck down with a case of the giggles. a tickle in my gut that came out of no where - but i was not in the comfort of people who have known me for years, so i had to keep silent. laughing hysterically with NO sound coming out. to the point where tears are streaming down my face. and that fear - the fear that at any moment someone could walk into my cubical and see me red faced and pained. hysterically laughing in silence. and looking at my computer screen to see that i've been reading an article about the decade since the 9-11 attacks, and then having to explain that, 'i swear! that's NOT why i'm laughing!'

but how would they understand the truth? 'honestly, it was like all the insanity of the day had bopped me on the nose and everything suddenly made sense...'
'nicole. it's 9:15am - how long has your day been already?'

i'd rather they just think i was an insensitive prick.

(the good news is: in the month since i wrote this, i've figured out what what causing the insanity. and it is no longer apart of my life. and that's a good thing)